The Ghost of Christmas Past
What’s always coming at the same time every year? Christmas! And if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, navigating the Christmas season can feel complicated. The build-up creates expectations of a warm, joyful, and loving time with family. An idealized version of the holiday that seems to be a collective mindset promotes this image. A perfect family gathering. Which sadly may be far from what you experienced. However, even if many years have passed, childhood trauma can still impact your life today. Keeping alive the “ghost of Christmas past,” where, as a child, your needs went unmet.
Common traits of childhood trauma
Childhood trauma often comes from dysfunctional families, which are defined by regular patterns of conflict, misbehaviour, neglect, or abuse. Consequently, living in such a difficult environment can feel like growing up in a never-ending nightmare. The long-term effects include low self-esteem, difficulties in relationships, and a sense of unworthiness.
Therefore if you have
– Often doubted what “normal” behaviour looks like.
– Struggle to complete tasks.
– Seek approval constantly.
– Have difficulty trusting others, even close friends.
– Judge yourself harshly.
– Often feel either overly responsible or irresponsible.
– Have deep loyalty, even to those who don’t deserve it.
– Need to over explain or make excuses.
– Want to ‘fix’ others
You may have grown up in a dysfunctional family. Which can leave you with a negative self image, meaning you don’t think that much of yourself. If your immediate caregivers (who you need to survive) don’t appear to care that much for you – it’s understandable that you could continue to not care that much for yourself either.
Christmas as a trigger
So why does Christmas hurt so much for those that experienced trauma as a child? For many, it’s a time when childhood disappointments and unmet expectations resurface. A sense of loss for what you didn’t have – even if you have much now and can offer a different environment for your own children. Children can often believe that if they just behaved better, their family could be happy. When that didn’t happen, they’ve blamed themselves.
For children in dysfunctional homes, Christmas often brings heightened conflict. Instead of warmth, you may have faced violence, neglect, and abuse. If you lived with an alcoholic Christmas is the perfect time for drinking to appear normal. Champagne at 10am – well its Christmas. Another bottle of wine or a few more beers – we are celebrating. But you knew where this would end up. Arguments, physical or verbal abuse, passing out, or going out – all ways to ruin the day.
All of the drama and none of the attention. No focus on you and another miserable Christmas.
The gift that keeps on giving
These experiences teach that you don’t matter and that the holidays are not a time of joy but one of isolation, fear, and hurt. Tragically, children grow up believing that they somehow caused the family’s dysfunction, an undeserved burden that can stay with them for years. Increasing feelings of shame, low self worth and isolation. The very simple question of ‘How was your Christmas? becomes complex when you instinctively know not to tell anyone. You can’t say how drunk your Mum got, or that there was an almighty argument and Dad stormed out, or that no one cooked the dinner.
Even as an adult it can be hard. Shame keeps us stuck.
Moving into the new
If this post ‘talks’ to you please know you aren’t alone. The isolation and shame can be some of the hardest parts of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Being able to talk about how you feel is the beginning steps to learning how to set boundaries, and having choices you didn’t have as a child. Grieve the loss of the childhood you didn’t have or deserve. Watch the Christmas films and cry for what you didn’t experience. Be kind to yourself and know you can choose to see family … or not at Christmas.
None of what happened to you was actually about you, it wasn’t your fault and you did not create it.
It is possible to change the story & heal.
Get in touch if you want to find out how counselling can help you
About the author: Chris Boobier is the owner of CRB Counselling specialising in trauma, Bereavement & loss. Supporting adults and adolescents, she understands the complexities Christmas brings and is passionate about helping people be their authentic self through counselling.
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