Why its so hard to open up

 

Do you find you can’t talk about feelings? You’d think saying how we feel would come easily. It’s us, after all. Our story, body and thoughts.

But no.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I don’t even know how to talk about it.” And honestly? I get it.

Being emotionally honest – really honest – is brave. It’s a big deal. Most of us didn’t grow up learning how to do it. Some of us were actively taught not to. So by the time someone finally reaches out to speak to someone like me, they’ve often been carrying things for years. And I don’t take that lightly.

So why can’t you talk about feelings? Why is it so hard?

Let’s talk about it.

Stigma and silence

We grow up in a world that doesn’t always welcome emotions. Maybe you’ve heard things like:

• “Don’t be so sensitive.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “You’re too emotional.”

These messages stick. They teach us that showing our emotions is weak, dramatic, or shameful. So when we start to open up, shame swoops in and tells us to shut it down.

Knowing this helps to understand why not being able to talk about how you feel makes so much sense. You’re responding in a way that once kept you safe.

Family patterns

If you grew up in a family that avoided hard conversations, well you may now find some conversations hard. Maybe you were the ‘peacemaker’, the ‘strong one’, or the ‘fixer’. Maybe no one really talked about how they felt – so you learned not to either.

You might feel like you never got a “manual” for this stuff. And that’s OK. You’re not the only one. Often in therapy, we begin by unlearning the silence you were taught to sit in.

Shame makes it personal

Shame is sneaky. It doesn’t just whisper, “you made a mistake.” It says, “you are the mistake.”

That kind of message cuts deep. So when you even think about opening up, you worry: What if they see the worst in me?

But let me say this clearly: the parts of you you’re most afraid to show are often the ones that most need to be seen.

And everyone has parts they may not like so much, not their ‘best bits’, that trip them up or make them cringe. The parts you might want to reject or ignore. Letting them be seen in a safe relationship is how healing can begin.

Attachment and trust

Attachment theory explains how our early relationships shape how we connect with others. If you grew up with reliable, emotionally present caregivers, you likely feel safer expressing yourself now.

But if your caregivers were unpredictable, distant, or unavailable, your nervous system might have learned that emotional honesty equals danger.

You might:

• Crave closeness but pull away when you get it

• Shut down the second someone asks, “Are you okay?”

• Struggle to trust that anyone will really stay

This is your body doing its best to protect you. It’s automatic, not a conscious decision. And the good news? These patterns can shift with consistent, safe connection. Therapy often becomes that space.

Past trauma still lives in the body

If you’ve experienced trauma – whether emotional, physical, or relational, your body may still carry that story.

So even when your mind says, “This should be safe,” your body screams, “Don’t go there.”

That’s a trauma response. It’s your nervous system going, “I remember last time. Don’t make me feel that again.”

In therapy, we work slowly. Gently. With care. It’s not about digging everything up at once. It’s about creating safety and trust – together.

So, what helps?

Honestly? Just starting.

You don’t have to tell your life story all in one go. You don’t even need to know what to say yet. What matters is showing up – and allowing someone to meet you in that space.

The strongest carry a lot. Maybe you’ve survived by keeping things inside, just ‘getting on with it’, or telling yourself it’s “not that bad.” But if those ways of coping aren’t working anymore – if things feel heavy, overwhelming, or just too much, maybe this is the sign you’ve been waiting for.

If any of this hits home, and you’re ready to try a different path rather than walking down the same old street… get in touch.

Life is not predictable, and this may have meant you can’t talk about feelings

But you don’t need to have the perfect words. You just need to begin.

About the author: Chris Boobier is the owner of CRB Counselling specialising in anxiety, trauma, Bereavement & loss. Supporting adults and adolescents, she is passionate about helping people be their authentic self through counselling. Because this is how she also found her words.